The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
