Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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