xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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