I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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