i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
