So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
