Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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