Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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