life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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