Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
