i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
