whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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