Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
