Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Randomize
