Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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