I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i dont even know how to be here
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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