I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Success! We fucked roommates!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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