R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
