Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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