so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
