question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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