I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
