I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
