Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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