I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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