i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
