Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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