I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
high people should be assigned attendants
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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