We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
