I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
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