all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
