Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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