Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
