how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
