dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
