if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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