Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
My ATM looks so different sober.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
