I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
splinters make it hard to masturbate
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Randomize
