I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
