Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
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The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
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I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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