We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
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