Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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