the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Randomize
