I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
