remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
