She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
