I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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