Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
