Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
