No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
