Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
