You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
