I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
