Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
