i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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