Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
