You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
